When there is a behavior that we engage in that we are not proud of, many of us have a lot of negative self-judgement that comes in between the behavior and the interest and curiosity it takes to let it dissolve.

Let’s take, for example, the case of a number of my high performer clients who travel a lot who find themselves craving attention from other men or women outside of their marriage while on the road. Many times these are flirtatious encounters, and that’s what I’m speaking to today.  

What I find is that instead of being interested and curious about this tendency, many of my clients make it mean that something is wrong with them. In turn, they shut down and don’t explore what the root cause of this behavior is.

I encourage them, and I encourage you, to be courageous to open up that door that might be unpleasant to uncover what thoughts and feelings are motivating this behavior.

Let go of judgement in order to explore the root cause of an undesirable behavior

I see this too with my clients who overeat, over drink, or overspend. They often think it is a symptom of something terrible that is causing them to do it, which completely freaks them out and shuts down any opportunity to explore it. 

Ironically, when we think that our behavior is a symptom of something bad about us, the symptom increases. We look and talk to men or women outside our marriage, we increase our drinking and we overeat more because we think there is something wrong with us so why stop or change?

The truth is you don’t have to make this behavior mean anything negative about who you are. When we come to this understanding we can let the truth be there. We can be brave enough to explore if there is something in our marriage that could be improved. We give space to explore why we are over eating or overdrinking on the road.

When you don’t judge, you can explore. You can have access to the truth, the cause of these behaviors, then and only then you can have some authority over it. 

The next time you find yourself engaging in a behavior that you are not proud of, don’t try and stop yourself or resist it. Allow all of it to be there and then get curious and interested in what thoughts and feelings are motivating you to do think and behave in this way.

From this place, you can observe, examine, and explore. I did this recently with a client who traveled a lot for work who wanted a lot of attention from other men especially when she frequented hotel bars. Originally, she made this flirtatious behavior mean something ugly about herself; but when we let go of this judgement, we were able to explore WHY she wanted attention from other men and pivoted to getting it from herself.

The behavior dissipated almost instantly, and she has deepened her relationship with herself only because she was willing to peek behind that door, find the truth, and move on without all the self-criticism and judgement that she had been living with for years.

Drop the judgement and open yourself up to being curious and interested in the true cause of your behaviors. This is where real change can occur.

If you would like personal coaching with me to unwind a behavior you would like to stop engaging in please reach out to schedule a consultation with me @ https://mindyourstrengthcoaching.as.me/

Melanie Shmois, MSSA, LISW-S
Personal Coach for the Elite
17+years of transformation experience

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