Turn the Arrow Around

One thing I’ve noticed after years of working with high-performing clients is this:

Many of the most conscientious, thoughtful, and generous people I know are incredibly kind to others… but surprisingly hard on themselves.

A client shared something with me recently that illustrated this beautifully.

She teaches at a college part-time. When her students feel discouraged or doubt themselves, she instinctively responds with compassion. She reminds them that learning takes time. She celebrates their effort. She encourages them not to be so hard on themselves.

She is patient. Supportive. Affirming. And yet, when it comes to herself? The tone changes.

When she makes a mistake or feels unsure, the voice in her own mind is far less compassionate. Much more critical. Much less forgiving.

As we talked about this, something simple but powerful emerged.

I said to her, “The arrow needs to point back at you.”

All the grace, encouragement, and compassion she so naturally offers her students… she deserves to receive from herself as well.

It sounds simple. But many of us forget this. We are excellent at lifting others up. We remind friends that they are doing their best. We celebrate our colleagues when they take risks. We offer understanding when someone is struggling. But when we are the ones struggling?

The arrow suddenly points inward in a very different way.

Instead of compassion, we offer criticism. Instead of encouragement, we offer pressure. Instead of patience, we offer judgment. And yet the same truth applies to us.

Growth takes time. Learning involves mistakes. Effort matters.

The same grace we extend to others can also be extended to ourselves.

Sometimes all it takes is a gentle reminder to turn the arrow around.

If you notice that you are quick to encourage others but slow to offer that same kindness to yourself, pause for a moment and ask:

What would I say to someone else in this situation? And then say that to yourself. Because the qualities you offer so generously to others— your compassion, your encouragement, your belief in their potential were never meant to be one-way arrows. They can point back at you, too.

So here’s a question for reflection:

What arrows are you good at pointing at others to build them up… that you could start pointing back at yourself?