The Version of Self-Love No One Taught You

February is often framed as the month of love.

But high-performers don’t struggle with loving others. They struggle with loving themselves when they are not performing. It’s easy to love the parts of you that shine. Your intelligence. Your discipline. Your achievements. Your ability to carry so much. But what about the parts you try to hide? The insecurity before a presentation. The procrastination you don’t understand. The body you criticize in quiet moments. The fear of being seen as incompetent.

Here’s the question I often ask my clients: What are you afraid people would see if they looked closer?

The answer usually reveals the shadow. And most high-achievers treat their shadow like an enemy. They try to outwork it. Outperform it. Out-discipline it. But your shadow is not a flaw. It is a protection strategy.

The part of you that feels insecure? It’s trying to protect you from rejection.

The part of you that procrastinates? It’s trying to protect you from failure.

The part of you that criticizes your body? It’s trying to protect you from not being chosen.

The shadow isn’t trying to sabotage you. It’s trying to keep you safe. When I go to record a live talk or share something vulnerable, my own shyness still emerges. Years ago, I would have tried to eliminate it. Now? I welcome it. I let it sit beside me. Because that part of me is trying to prevent humiliation, rejection, or judgment. And when I acknowledge it instead of fighting it, something shifts.

It softens. It doesn’t disappear. But it no longer runs the show.

This is self-love.

Not affirmations. Not bubble baths. Not pretending you’re confident all the time.

Self-love is the ability to sit with the parts of you that feel small, messy, uncertain… and not exile them.

It is emotional leadership. It is nervous system regulation. It is saying:

“You are allowed here.”

High-performers often believe self-love will make them soft. What I see in my work is the opposite.

When you stop warring with yourself, you gain capacity. When you stop rejecting your shadow, you gain power.

When you stop attacking yourself in the quiet moments, you build strength that is no longer dependent on performance. And that kind of strength? It’s sustainable. If you have mastered achievement but still feel tension inside your own mind…

You don’t need more discipline. You need deeper self-acceptance. That is the work. And it may be the most loving thing you do this year.

If you’d like to explore this work more deeply —> shadow integration, emotional mastery, nervous system leadership, this is what we do inside my private containers. 

You don’t have to exile parts of yourself to succeed. You can integrate them. And become stronger because of it.